Clean Short Funny Jokes

If you've seen one ...

A woman has twins, gives them up for adoption. One goes to an Egyptian family and is named "Ahmal." The other is sent to a Spanish family and is name "Juan." Years later, Juan sends his birth mother a picture of himself. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. He replies, "They're identical twins for Pete sake!! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!!"

Sorry to share such sad news:

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in ...
And then the trouble started.

Clean Short Funny Jokes That Will Make You Wonder Why

1. Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
2. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
3. Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery?"
4. Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
5. Why do doctors call what they do "practice?"
6. Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
7. Why is the man who invests all your money call a broker?
8. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
9. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
10. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
11. Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
12. You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
13. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
14. Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
15. If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
16. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Clean Short Funny Jokes That Teachers Will Appreciate

Teacher: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
Maria: Here it is.
Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
Class: Maria.

Teacher: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
John: You told me to do it without using tables.

Teacher: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
Glenn: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
Teacher: No, that's wrong.
Glenn: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

Teacher: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
Donald: H I J K L M N O.
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Donald: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

Teacher: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
Winnie: Me!

Teacher: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
Glen: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

Teacher: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I"
Millie: I is..
Teacher: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
Millie: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
Louie: Because George still had the axe in his hand ...

Teacher: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
Simon: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

Teacher: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Clyde: No, sir. It's the same dog.

Teacher: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Harold: A teacher

Clean Short Funny Jokes That are "Signs of the Times"

On a Plumber's Truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On Another Plumber's Truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber ..."

On an Electrician's Truck:
"Let us remove your shorts!"

On a Maternity Room Door:
"Push. Push. Push!"

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

Outside A Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary - we hear you coming!"

In a Veterinarian's Waiting Room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

Irish Used Car Ad...

Deal of the New Century!
The following is an actual advertisement in an Irish Newspaper:

1985 Blue Volkswagen Golf
Only 15 km
Only first gear and reverse used
Never driven hard
Original tires
Original brakes
Original fuel and oil
Only 1 driver
Owner wishing to sell due to employment lay-off
Photo Attached _____

You know you are living in 2011 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
9. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
10. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

Clean Short Funny Jokes About Aging

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ''Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly!"
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know ... the one that's red and has thorns?"
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing!!!

So there are some clean short funny jokes. Hope you enjoyed them. At the two links below you can find more jokes.